12/22

I've been learning a lot on break. Its been really restful and pretty slow. For a couple nights I had things to do but during the day for the most part I just sleep, read, and eat. I finished my book, Blue Like Jazz, yesterday shortly after waking up around 1.

The main thing I've been learning and processing this break has been that I am incomplete. I have this feeling that there is a hole deep in my soul that I have tried to fill. Its an area that the Lord has recently exposed, I have been putting my hope in people, seeking their approval and attention. Thinking that if I can have them love me than it will fill this hole. When in actuality, I need to focus more of my attention on the Lord and seeking his approval and love. He is the only thing that will bring me lasting peace and lasting fulfillment.

I was thinking about his Love, and I wondered if I would ever get bored of him, or he of me. I wondered if we would be able to have a conversation together in person. I kind of thought that he would probably dominate it. I figure he would probably have a lot to say, he would always have the right answers, he would always have the coolest facts like how many hairs everyone in the room had on their heads.... I'm kind of ashamed to say this but I thought it might be exhausting trying to keep up, I wouldn't have anything to say that he didn't already know. But the more I think about it the more I realize how that isn't true at all. His love for me is great. In truth we don't have anything to prove to God, he delights in us and loves us despite ourselves. I've thought about it but never in this way. I don't know how I didn't see it earlier, I know I've heard it all before. There are people that I could sit with all day and never get bored, I genuinely care about what they are saying, thinking, feeling. If this goes both ways and the other person feels the same way of me that will make for an awesome conversation and time together. If that is the picture of an imperfect love between two people imagine experiencing the same thing with a God whose love is perfect!  If we were sit down for a cup of coffee he wouldn't talk just about himself. He is so in love with me he would want to hear everything I had to say, he would listen intently. We would have an active conversation. But it would go the other way to, I should be so in love with God that I should be able to listen to him all day and just be entranced by his wisdom, love, power, glory, splendor, righteousness, beauty, and magnificence. This is how I think we need to approach prayer and our relationship with God. It is a RELATIONSHIP. This relationship is what I've been looking for, it is the only thing that is going to fill the hole. And until I am totally satisfied in my relationship with Christ I won't be satisfied with any other relationship here on earth.

I'm still sorting through a lot of stuff. But I am sure that the Lord is moving within me! None of it is bad, its rather exciting. Pray that I am able to process everything and put it into action in my life. If you would like to know more about what I've been learning please call me. I had a hard time making it all reader friendly, I didn't know how to write it down and have it make sense.